1. I know myself better than anyone else knows me. I keep having to remind myself of this in many different types of situations lately. The situations are all very different from each other, but the main message I need to remind myself of is that I know myself best. No one else has ever been me, no one else knows, no one else can/should judge.
Keeping with this, but not at all what I was talking about in the first paragraph, I decided that I am going to start exercising now and not wait until April. I think maybe the reason I am losing weight is because I am not very active lately. When I run or do any kind of exercise I am always super hungry and that in addition to extra muscle is probably why I normally weigh more than I do now. Before I go to more doctors or have more tests, I want to give my own theory a try. If things still don't seem right, I will bring it up again with my doctor and at that time if she doesn't seem to hear me about it, I will find someone who will.
2. What's that saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results being the definition of stupidity? Well, I need to listen to that and realize that sometimes things are exactly what they seem and there isn't anything I can do to make other people do things differently. Just because I can explain things and make them fine in my head doesn't mean that is true or what was really going on. Contrary to what I believe sometimes, the entire world's balance does not depend on me, and if something isn't working for me at a certain point I need to let it go and realize it wasn't necessarily something about me that caused it to be the way it is.
3. I keep thinking of things to write about here, but when I actually sit down and have a chance to write things, I am sort of blank on what I have done that is noteworthy lately. Or I think of something that I can't/won't write about. These will have to do for now. Happy New Year! I will be hanging out at home with my kids and some of their friends and their friends' parents. Should be fun and nice and relaxed. Anyone have any exciting plans for New Years?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Zombie-ish
After I wrote that last post, I held off as long as I could and then called my doctor again. Turns out she had gotten my results but was figuring out what to do with them. That is fine, let me make it positively clear that I don't expect a doctor to be super human and I know they sometimes need time to think. What I object to is telling me that they didn't have the results yet. I hate when people tell untruths. Especially when it would have been much easier just to say "yes, the results are here and the doctor is looking them over".
When I talked to her Friday afternoon she told me she already talked to a general surgeon and I should call and make an appointment for Monday (today). It always freaks me out when doctors do that. If it isn't any big deal, why did she set it up so I could get an appointment so fast? I saw the doctor today and was unimpressed. (Unrelated to why I was unimpressed with him: he looked exactly like my neighbor and it was really disconcerting to have a guy who looked and sounds like my neighbor poking around in my armpit when I had my shirt off. Now when I see my friend who is married to the guy he looked like I might have trouble looking her in the eye)
I was unimpressed with him because he was so casual about the whole thing. He did say it wasn't normal but that it wasn't quite big enough for him to worry about it yet. I left feeling perplexed about why I needed to go today and couldn't wait until after my kids winter break. I will follow up with him later (no date or time frame was given) and if he feels it is a problem he "might" do an ultrasound guided biopsy. Whatever. I will process how I feel about this and decide what I will do after Christmas because I don't want to deal with it right now.
This next part is all jumbly because I wrote a big long thing and it somehow disappeared and I am annoyed that I have to rewrite it. I said the other thing the ct scan showed was a thickened part of my colon. No one knows what that means so I have to see a gastroenterologist.
I also said I feel like no one is hearing me about the screaming concern in my head, the weight loss. I have lost more than 10 pounds in less than 5 months. I used to exercise like a crazy person and now I barely walk on the treadmill so I think maybe the weight loss would be more if you considered that into it. My doctor says I am on the underweight line of her BMI chart but as long as I don't go below, she doesn't think I need to worry about it as long as I am eating normally. I don't have the patience or energy to figure out what to do about this either so I will wait until after Christmas to think about it.
Besides all of this I had a great weekend. My son and I got haircuts. I have been having this weird thing where even after I flat iron my hair it has a strange bump that won't go away. My hair girl said "maybe it is trying to be curly again". Sure enough, she was right. I feel like I look sick in this picture (ill, not sick in the good way my kids use it in) but I will post it anyway since I like how she did my hair. I think maybe my daughter was too close to me and the flash made me look zombie-ish because I definitely don't look like that in person (I hope!)
We baked 6 different kinds of cookies on Sunday. As much as I love baking, I was happy when we were done and I could sit down!
I also finished all the teacher presents before school ended on Friday. Hooray!
If you look at the one mitten sideways it says "Be Safe". Her teacher is into Twilight so I thought she would like it. She did. My daughter told me she went crazy showing it to everyone who walked in the class.
If I don't post again before the end of the year, which is likely since we are so busy in the next few days, I hope you have a very happy holiday season!
When I talked to her Friday afternoon she told me she already talked to a general surgeon and I should call and make an appointment for Monday (today). It always freaks me out when doctors do that. If it isn't any big deal, why did she set it up so I could get an appointment so fast? I saw the doctor today and was unimpressed. (Unrelated to why I was unimpressed with him: he looked exactly like my neighbor and it was really disconcerting to have a guy who looked and sounds like my neighbor poking around in my armpit when I had my shirt off. Now when I see my friend who is married to the guy he looked like I might have trouble looking her in the eye)
I was unimpressed with him because he was so casual about the whole thing. He did say it wasn't normal but that it wasn't quite big enough for him to worry about it yet. I left feeling perplexed about why I needed to go today and couldn't wait until after my kids winter break. I will follow up with him later (no date or time frame was given) and if he feels it is a problem he "might" do an ultrasound guided biopsy. Whatever. I will process how I feel about this and decide what I will do after Christmas because I don't want to deal with it right now.
This next part is all jumbly because I wrote a big long thing and it somehow disappeared and I am annoyed that I have to rewrite it. I said the other thing the ct scan showed was a thickened part of my colon. No one knows what that means so I have to see a gastroenterologist.
I also said I feel like no one is hearing me about the screaming concern in my head, the weight loss. I have lost more than 10 pounds in less than 5 months. I used to exercise like a crazy person and now I barely walk on the treadmill so I think maybe the weight loss would be more if you considered that into it. My doctor says I am on the underweight line of her BMI chart but as long as I don't go below, she doesn't think I need to worry about it as long as I am eating normally. I don't have the patience or energy to figure out what to do about this either so I will wait until after Christmas to think about it.
Besides all of this I had a great weekend. My son and I got haircuts. I have been having this weird thing where even after I flat iron my hair it has a strange bump that won't go away. My hair girl said "maybe it is trying to be curly again". Sure enough, she was right. I feel like I look sick in this picture (ill, not sick in the good way my kids use it in) but I will post it anyway since I like how she did my hair. I think maybe my daughter was too close to me and the flash made me look zombie-ish because I definitely don't look like that in person (I hope!)
We baked 6 different kinds of cookies on Sunday. As much as I love baking, I was happy when we were done and I could sit down!
I also finished all the teacher presents before school ended on Friday. Hooray!
If you look at the one mitten sideways it says "Be Safe". Her teacher is into Twilight so I thought she would like it. She did. My daughter told me she went crazy showing it to everyone who walked in the class.If I don't post again before the end of the year, which is likely since we are so busy in the next few days, I hope you have a very happy holiday season!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Frustrated
I wish I had some news about the CT scan I had on Monday but I am still waiting for my doctor to call. I am on the fence about this new doctor and here is why: When I get any kind of scan or bloodwork I always ask them to mail me a copy so I can put it in my file. I see so many doctors that it isn't possible for them to send it to each one, and I also have no idea which doctor would want to see what. If I just get a copy and put it in my notebook I will always have it if a doctor wants to see it. I got my copy of the scan report on Wednesday. Thursday when I hadn't heard anything from my doctor yet, I called. The receptionist told me they didn't have the results yet. What? I didn't outright call the lady a liar, but I did mention that the guy told me they should have the results by Tuesday morning. She said she would call when they got them.
Since I got a copy of the report, I read it. I don't think I have ever gotten a copy of a report before I had talked to the doctor. Since I am not a doctor I can't really read it. I mean I can read it and I understand all the words, understand what the abnormalities mean in general but not what they mean for me as far as more tests etc. I think I know what is next, but it would be pretty darn awesome if my doctor could give me a call and let me know her plan for me. I am not going to go all crazy trying to rush but sometimes things need to be done quickly or you die. That isn't the case here (shouldn't be anyway) but if I can't trust her to call me with results, how do I know I could trust her if it was important that things be done quickly? I sort of trust her but do I trust her enough to put my life in her hands? I am all for being nice and patient but I sure don't want to be one of those people who finds out if they had done something sooner they would be fine but since their doctor waited they will suffer the consequences. (Again let me stress that this is not the case here, nothing awful should come of this, but I am just saying in general).
The hospital this doctor uses is a new one to me. I have heard not so great things about it. (This next part is related if you follow the way my brain works) When my kids got their teacher letters before school started, the teacher they got was one I had heard not so great things about. I always tell my kids that you can not rely on what other people say because it just might not be true. We talk about how rumors get started and how things get way out of control so the stuff being said may not even be close to true. I always tell them they need to judge things for themselves and not have any kind of expectations. Because of this we discovered that although we were nervous about this particular teacher (and I actually secretly wished I could switch them out before school started), she is actually one of my favorites.
I am delaying judgement of this new hospital but I have a bad feeling about it. The people there were super nice but when I got the scan results it is sort of vague about the lymph nodes. They didn't measure them, just stated that they are there. Why did I go for a scan then? Why did I expose myself to radiation to get confirmation of something I already knew was there? Why am I going to pay tons of money for this scan that didn't answer any questions or give us any new information? Also, the rest of the scan notes say that their ability to read the scan was "extremely limited due to lack of retroperitoneal fat". So basically my scan was of no use? These are things I would love to ask my doctor if only she would call.
One funny thing about this is that when I got home from the scan I was home about 5 minutes before the kids' bus would come. I flipped on the news. The big story? How CT scans are more dangerous than previously thought and give off more radiation than they thought. Nice.
Anyway, I am not all cranky like this post makes me sound. I am just frustrated that medical things move so slowly. I can understand when tests take a long time or there is a wait before you can get in to see a doctor or have a test but when the doctor has the results and waits several days to give them to you? Not acceptable. I still don't have the results, still haven't talked to my doctor and tomorrow is Saturday so I am guessing I will be waiting until next week. If they had said the doctor hadn't had a chance to review them yet I would be fine with waiting but they said they hadn't gotten them yet. The woman told me she would call the hospital right after she got off the phone with me to track them down. Obviously since no one called me yesterday she did not do that.
I am going to try and forget about it for the weekend and then call again Monday and see what is going on. Tonight I have a cookie exchange and need to bake a bunch of cookies sometime today. I haven't yet decided what kind of cookies to make and I don't have time to go to the store (kids' school stuff going on all day) so hopefully I can figure out some kind of fast yummy cookie that only uses ingredients I have already.
Since I got a copy of the report, I read it. I don't think I have ever gotten a copy of a report before I had talked to the doctor. Since I am not a doctor I can't really read it. I mean I can read it and I understand all the words, understand what the abnormalities mean in general but not what they mean for me as far as more tests etc. I think I know what is next, but it would be pretty darn awesome if my doctor could give me a call and let me know her plan for me. I am not going to go all crazy trying to rush but sometimes things need to be done quickly or you die. That isn't the case here (shouldn't be anyway) but if I can't trust her to call me with results, how do I know I could trust her if it was important that things be done quickly? I sort of trust her but do I trust her enough to put my life in her hands? I am all for being nice and patient but I sure don't want to be one of those people who finds out if they had done something sooner they would be fine but since their doctor waited they will suffer the consequences. (Again let me stress that this is not the case here, nothing awful should come of this, but I am just saying in general).
The hospital this doctor uses is a new one to me. I have heard not so great things about it. (This next part is related if you follow the way my brain works) When my kids got their teacher letters before school started, the teacher they got was one I had heard not so great things about. I always tell my kids that you can not rely on what other people say because it just might not be true. We talk about how rumors get started and how things get way out of control so the stuff being said may not even be close to true. I always tell them they need to judge things for themselves and not have any kind of expectations. Because of this we discovered that although we were nervous about this particular teacher (and I actually secretly wished I could switch them out before school started), she is actually one of my favorites.
I am delaying judgement of this new hospital but I have a bad feeling about it. The people there were super nice but when I got the scan results it is sort of vague about the lymph nodes. They didn't measure them, just stated that they are there. Why did I go for a scan then? Why did I expose myself to radiation to get confirmation of something I already knew was there? Why am I going to pay tons of money for this scan that didn't answer any questions or give us any new information? Also, the rest of the scan notes say that their ability to read the scan was "extremely limited due to lack of retroperitoneal fat". So basically my scan was of no use? These are things I would love to ask my doctor if only she would call.
One funny thing about this is that when I got home from the scan I was home about 5 minutes before the kids' bus would come. I flipped on the news. The big story? How CT scans are more dangerous than previously thought and give off more radiation than they thought. Nice.
Anyway, I am not all cranky like this post makes me sound. I am just frustrated that medical things move so slowly. I can understand when tests take a long time or there is a wait before you can get in to see a doctor or have a test but when the doctor has the results and waits several days to give them to you? Not acceptable. I still don't have the results, still haven't talked to my doctor and tomorrow is Saturday so I am guessing I will be waiting until next week. If they had said the doctor hadn't had a chance to review them yet I would be fine with waiting but they said they hadn't gotten them yet. The woman told me she would call the hospital right after she got off the phone with me to track them down. Obviously since no one called me yesterday she did not do that.
I am going to try and forget about it for the weekend and then call again Monday and see what is going on. Tonight I have a cookie exchange and need to bake a bunch of cookies sometime today. I haven't yet decided what kind of cookies to make and I don't have time to go to the store (kids' school stuff going on all day) so hopefully I can figure out some kind of fast yummy cookie that only uses ingredients I have already.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Exploring Caves
Last night I drank one container of the barium. One more to go this afternoon and then the scan. But I don't want to dwell on the stupid scan, so moving along....
First of all, if anyone wants to make an 11 year old girl very happy for the holidays, you can go to her shop and buy a little something. I am not beyond begging here. Surely someone has an extra few dollars to spend on a good cause. Her school is raising money for Play Pumps and she started an etsy site to help raise money because she loves making jewelry. Unfortunately, no one has even bought one thing yet and she is getting bummed out about that. She has sold some stuff to people in person, but is dying to make a sale online so she can send something out like I do with my yarn. If anyone doesn't know what to get me for Christmas, buy something from her and that will make me happier than anything (I am totally kidding, I don't expect anyone to buy me anything but please check out her site if you get a chance).
This weekend we were busy. I say that every weekend but it is true. Saturday morning my two 9 year olds were caroling at a nursing home with their school. When that was over, we brought one extra boy home with us because his parents were going out of town and he was spending the weekend with us. My husband has been dying to go to a cave near our house so we decided that would be a fun trip for the afternoon. It was over 2 and a half hours to get there. It was fine though, the kids were great in the car playing "add on to the story" and other games like that. I don't have a tv in my car or anything so they have to entertain themselves like in the old days.
The cave was beautiful. After the kids saw this, they picked up a bunch of the little brochures and started planning our trip to more caves. We'll see if we end up going to all of them, but some of them are sort of on the way to my parents house in New York so if we go this summer like we planned, we might be able to stop on the way.
My little man is touching the piece they sacrificed so that everyone could touch it. If they didn't designate one, people would probably touch (and ruin) many parts of the cave so they chose one spot towards the beginning that everyone was allowed to touch so hopefully they could not be so tempted to touch anything else.
My crappy pictures really don't do it justice at all.
When we got home we ate dinner. Somehow the topic of what nationality their friend was came up. He said he was part Danish and one of my kids said "part donut?" and everyone cracked up. Then my little man declared he was part "Penguish" (penguin) and that Maya was part monkey. We all got a little silly and giggly and I am sure it is because of the long car ride and long day.
Sunday we went sledding. It was the perfect day for it, warm but not too warm. We had a great time even though I accidentally told my 9 year old son "you suck" when he took me over a ramp when we were together on the sled. He laughed that I said that but seriously? I am way too old to be going over ramps in a sled!
Today is my scan so I will keep you posted on how it goes. The barium last night wasn't completely awful but I think in general I am just getting better at doing unpleasant things without thinking about it too much. The barium had a weird artificial coconut taste to it that I could have done without. The aftertaste was awful and tasted metallic. I had the awful taste in my mouth until I went to bed. My husband says it tasted metallic to me because barium is metal. Hopefully the one I drink this afternoon will go down quickly and then I will be done drinking it, hopefully forever!
First of all, if anyone wants to make an 11 year old girl very happy for the holidays, you can go to her shop and buy a little something. I am not beyond begging here. Surely someone has an extra few dollars to spend on a good cause. Her school is raising money for Play Pumps and she started an etsy site to help raise money because she loves making jewelry. Unfortunately, no one has even bought one thing yet and she is getting bummed out about that. She has sold some stuff to people in person, but is dying to make a sale online so she can send something out like I do with my yarn. If anyone doesn't know what to get me for Christmas, buy something from her and that will make me happier than anything (I am totally kidding, I don't expect anyone to buy me anything but please check out her site if you get a chance).
This weekend we were busy. I say that every weekend but it is true. Saturday morning my two 9 year olds were caroling at a nursing home with their school. When that was over, we brought one extra boy home with us because his parents were going out of town and he was spending the weekend with us. My husband has been dying to go to a cave near our house so we decided that would be a fun trip for the afternoon. It was over 2 and a half hours to get there. It was fine though, the kids were great in the car playing "add on to the story" and other games like that. I don't have a tv in my car or anything so they have to entertain themselves like in the old days.
The cave was beautiful. After the kids saw this, they picked up a bunch of the little brochures and started planning our trip to more caves. We'll see if we end up going to all of them, but some of them are sort of on the way to my parents house in New York so if we go this summer like we planned, we might be able to stop on the way.
My little man is touching the piece they sacrificed so that everyone could touch it. If they didn't designate one, people would probably touch (and ruin) many parts of the cave so they chose one spot towards the beginning that everyone was allowed to touch so hopefully they could not be so tempted to touch anything else.
My crappy pictures really don't do it justice at all.
When we got home we ate dinner. Somehow the topic of what nationality their friend was came up. He said he was part Danish and one of my kids said "part donut?" and everyone cracked up. Then my little man declared he was part "Penguish" (penguin) and that Maya was part monkey. We all got a little silly and giggly and I am sure it is because of the long car ride and long day.
Sunday we went sledding. It was the perfect day for it, warm but not too warm. We had a great time even though I accidentally told my 9 year old son "you suck" when he took me over a ramp when we were together on the sled. He laughed that I said that but seriously? I am way too old to be going over ramps in a sled!
Today is my scan so I will keep you posted on how it goes. The barium last night wasn't completely awful but I think in general I am just getting better at doing unpleasant things without thinking about it too much. The barium had a weird artificial coconut taste to it that I could have done without. The aftertaste was awful and tasted metallic. I had the awful taste in my mouth until I went to bed. My husband says it tasted metallic to me because barium is metal. Hopefully the one I drink this afternoon will go down quickly and then I will be done drinking it, hopefully forever!
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
I Swear these Thoughts are Related
When I was little I had to drink barium for some test. My mom warned me that it would taste sort of yucky but that I had to drink it. I thought I would be fine. I was about 5 I think. I tried really hard to drink it but I just kept gagging and couldn't do it. After they had let me try for a while, my mom's old medical school lab partner (who was the doctor doing the test) had to hold me down and put a tube up my nose to get it in me. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. You would think that if it was through a tube down my nose into my stomach that at least I wouldn't taste/feel it. You would be wrong if you thought that. I still had to swallow it, it was just at the back of my throat and would drown me if I didn't swallow it. I will never forget the taste and feeling of that barium drink.
When I was first dating my husband, he wanted to take me to a place that he swore had the most delicious Green Rivers milk shakes. I had no idea what Green Rivers was and spent the whole 2 hour drive quizzing him about the flavor. He just kept saying he couldn't describe it but it was the best thing in the world. When we got there, he ordered me a large shake. I took one sip and almost threw up. To me it tasted exactly like the barium drink I had to drink when I was little. The texture wasn't quite as awful but since it was a thick milkshake it was pretty close. I felt horrible that his special treat was something I hated so I didn't tell my husband what it reminded me of. I also didn't drink it. He didn't notice and I don't think I told him until years later, when we both laughed about it.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. I have been having some weird stuff go on and I thought she should check it out. I was nervous because this is a new doctor, I had to switch primary care physicians which to me is very stressful. I met her in October and loved her, but haven't been to her with anything yet so had no idea how she would respond to things. I had no idea if she was an over tester who gets all freaked out, a laid back person who lets things slide, or the kind of doctor I want, which is someone who isn't overly freaked out but is cautiously safe since I have a history of strange things.
I explained my issues and she reacted exactly how I wanted her to. She really couldn't have been more perfect if I had given her a script. I have a really strange backache that feels exactly like when I had the giant ovarian cyst a few years ago. Except I don't have an ovary there anymore. I have this weird cough that is only sometimes there. It feels like I have crap in my chest but when I cough, nothing comes out. It makes me sort of wheeze at times but most of the time it is fine. The day before Halloween I found what I think (and my doctor agrees) is a swollen lymph node in my armpit. I kind of forgot about it because we had the swine flu going on around here at that time and I was busy. When I checked again at the end of November, there were two swollen lymph nodes.
Maybe for a normal person these things would be more of a "wait and see" but the reason I had been putting off making the appointment in the first place is because I know that whenever I go to the doctor, probably for the rest of my life, nothing will ever be a "wait and see" kind of thing. Stupid cancer ruins that for a person because little things can never be taken lightly ever again. I am not really in the mood for more health drama so I avoided the doctor for these things until I realized how irresponsible that was and made the appointment.
My doctor thinks the backache may be kidney stones. She said that would explain why sometimes the pain is barely there and sometimes it hurts so bad I am almost crying and feel like I am going to puke. She said the chest thing could be an asthma type thing...but because of those unexplained "things" on my previous CT scans that we have been following we can't just ignore this.
After talking about our options, we finally decided she would order a chest, abdominal and pelvic CT. If it is kidney stones, they would show up (I totally embarrassed myself when I meant to say "would those show up on a CT?" but actually said "and that would show those up?" I felt like I sounded really dumb when I worded it that way!) But yes, they would show up if that was the problem. She figures this way we can see if anything is going on anywhere near any areas that are bothering me. We can also see if there are more swollen lymph nodes anywhere else in my body. After we get the results, she will send me to a surgeon to figure out what to do about the two lymph nodes. She warned me that they are going to want to take them out. I asked about a needle biopsy and she said they usually want the whole thing, especially with someone who has had cancer before, just so they don't get a false negative. I asked about being awake when they do it so it doesn't have to be such a big deal and she sort of told me to wait and see what we end up finding, but also said she didn't think they were positioned well in my armpit for them to be able to numb me well enough to do that.
So how does this relate to the other 2 stories? Well, when I called to make the CT appointment, the lady told me that I would need to pick up 2 bottles of stuff to drink. I would drink one bottle 24 hours before the scan and then the other one 1 hour before. Guess what the stuff is? Barium!
I haven't made the appointment yet because we are waiting for precertification codes from my insurance but I am hoping I can get it done either next Monday or Tuesday. If not, I will have to wait until the week my kids are off for winter break, which I am really hoping to avoid. So, think good thoughts that one of the two places I can go for the scan has an appointment available on either Monday or Tuesday at 1:30. It has to be exactly at 1:30 because then if I am taken on time and the scan takes 1 hour or less, I will have time to put my son on the bus and also be home in time to get the kids off the bus. Oh and also cross your fingers that my husband has a chance to pick up those bottles of yuck for me before the snowstorm hits us today. (The hospital is near where he will be today and also is a little more than 45 minutes from our house. If I went to pick it up I would have to drag my son today or bring my daycare kids tomorrow, Thursday, or Friday. That isn't ideal and since he will be right there today, it should work out perfectly...unless the snowstorm comes and he doesn't end up going to the one meeting he is planning on going to).
And one more thing...my kids would appreciate it if you would think good thoughts for a snow day tomorrow. I don't care either way on that one and would sort of rather save the snow day for later when we aren't about to have a bunch of days off for winter break. They have to make it up at the end of the year anyway, so I'd rather have a snow day in February or something when we actually need a break, not when we are about to have one anyway.
When I was first dating my husband, he wanted to take me to a place that he swore had the most delicious Green Rivers milk shakes. I had no idea what Green Rivers was and spent the whole 2 hour drive quizzing him about the flavor. He just kept saying he couldn't describe it but it was the best thing in the world. When we got there, he ordered me a large shake. I took one sip and almost threw up. To me it tasted exactly like the barium drink I had to drink when I was little. The texture wasn't quite as awful but since it was a thick milkshake it was pretty close. I felt horrible that his special treat was something I hated so I didn't tell my husband what it reminded me of. I also didn't drink it. He didn't notice and I don't think I told him until years later, when we both laughed about it.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. I have been having some weird stuff go on and I thought she should check it out. I was nervous because this is a new doctor, I had to switch primary care physicians which to me is very stressful. I met her in October and loved her, but haven't been to her with anything yet so had no idea how she would respond to things. I had no idea if she was an over tester who gets all freaked out, a laid back person who lets things slide, or the kind of doctor I want, which is someone who isn't overly freaked out but is cautiously safe since I have a history of strange things.
I explained my issues and she reacted exactly how I wanted her to. She really couldn't have been more perfect if I had given her a script. I have a really strange backache that feels exactly like when I had the giant ovarian cyst a few years ago. Except I don't have an ovary there anymore. I have this weird cough that is only sometimes there. It feels like I have crap in my chest but when I cough, nothing comes out. It makes me sort of wheeze at times but most of the time it is fine. The day before Halloween I found what I think (and my doctor agrees) is a swollen lymph node in my armpit. I kind of forgot about it because we had the swine flu going on around here at that time and I was busy. When I checked again at the end of November, there were two swollen lymph nodes.
Maybe for a normal person these things would be more of a "wait and see" but the reason I had been putting off making the appointment in the first place is because I know that whenever I go to the doctor, probably for the rest of my life, nothing will ever be a "wait and see" kind of thing. Stupid cancer ruins that for a person because little things can never be taken lightly ever again. I am not really in the mood for more health drama so I avoided the doctor for these things until I realized how irresponsible that was and made the appointment.
My doctor thinks the backache may be kidney stones. She said that would explain why sometimes the pain is barely there and sometimes it hurts so bad I am almost crying and feel like I am going to puke. She said the chest thing could be an asthma type thing...but because of those unexplained "things" on my previous CT scans that we have been following we can't just ignore this.
After talking about our options, we finally decided she would order a chest, abdominal and pelvic CT. If it is kidney stones, they would show up (I totally embarrassed myself when I meant to say "would those show up on a CT?" but actually said "and that would show those up?" I felt like I sounded really dumb when I worded it that way!) But yes, they would show up if that was the problem. She figures this way we can see if anything is going on anywhere near any areas that are bothering me. We can also see if there are more swollen lymph nodes anywhere else in my body. After we get the results, she will send me to a surgeon to figure out what to do about the two lymph nodes. She warned me that they are going to want to take them out. I asked about a needle biopsy and she said they usually want the whole thing, especially with someone who has had cancer before, just so they don't get a false negative. I asked about being awake when they do it so it doesn't have to be such a big deal and she sort of told me to wait and see what we end up finding, but also said she didn't think they were positioned well in my armpit for them to be able to numb me well enough to do that.
So how does this relate to the other 2 stories? Well, when I called to make the CT appointment, the lady told me that I would need to pick up 2 bottles of stuff to drink. I would drink one bottle 24 hours before the scan and then the other one 1 hour before. Guess what the stuff is? Barium!
I haven't made the appointment yet because we are waiting for precertification codes from my insurance but I am hoping I can get it done either next Monday or Tuesday. If not, I will have to wait until the week my kids are off for winter break, which I am really hoping to avoid. So, think good thoughts that one of the two places I can go for the scan has an appointment available on either Monday or Tuesday at 1:30. It has to be exactly at 1:30 because then if I am taken on time and the scan takes 1 hour or less, I will have time to put my son on the bus and also be home in time to get the kids off the bus. Oh and also cross your fingers that my husband has a chance to pick up those bottles of yuck for me before the snowstorm hits us today. (The hospital is near where he will be today and also is a little more than 45 minutes from our house. If I went to pick it up I would have to drag my son today or bring my daycare kids tomorrow, Thursday, or Friday. That isn't ideal and since he will be right there today, it should work out perfectly...unless the snowstorm comes and he doesn't end up going to the one meeting he is planning on going to).
And one more thing...my kids would appreciate it if you would think good thoughts for a snow day tomorrow. I don't care either way on that one and would sort of rather save the snow day for later when we aren't about to have a bunch of days off for winter break. They have to make it up at the end of the year anyway, so I'd rather have a snow day in February or something when we actually need a break, not when we are about to have one anyway.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
6 Things
1. Yesterday was my anniversary. We have been married 14 years! We agreed on no presents. I made him bread bowls and soup for dinner (he loves bread bowls and this was sort of a special thing for me to do since I don't like them) and he gave me a note saying we are going to go away for a weekend and take snowboarding lessons together. I think maybe he forgot the no present thing? Either way that is pretty cool and I can't wait!
2. 3 of my kids had the reward breakfast at school this morning. Every month the school has a character trait and they reward one child from every class with a special breakfast. Last month my kindergarten son got it for "Individuality" which was perfect. Today my 3 older kids got it for "Cooperation". The breakfast was fun...I had 4 extra kids with me! I had my daycare kids and then I sort of forgot that I normally watch a friend's son on Thursday mornings. Both moms met me there with their kids because I don't have room in my car for 8 kids. Luckily, after the breakfast the school aged kids stay so I only went home with 3 kids.
3. Last night my daycare kids and I were talking about the reward breakfast and they were saying they felt bad for the 2 year old because he can't get it because he doesn't go to school. They decided that every month I will make a certificate and tell him what he is getting it for. They said this month he should get it for "Good Napping" because he almost always takes a nice nap. I love that they were thinking of him and are so excited to work on the certificate today after school.
4. My daughter is in a student council type thing at school (she won the election and I am super proud). This month they are working on a way to "give back". It was very open ended, the teacher in charge wants the kids to be responsible for the entire thing with her there to just guide and offer assistance with little things. They were each supposed to write a list of things they thought would be good ideas and then they will talk about them and decide together which they will follow through with and do. One of my daughter's ideas made me so happy (well, all of them, but one in particular). Her idea is to choose a soldier, make one card for him/her that they all sign and then make tons of blank cards for the soldiers to send home to their families. She worked really hard on this idea, planning tons of things having to do with it. I hope they choose this one! It is virtually free, they would just have everyone at school make cards and set up some kind of drop box where they could drop them off. On a certain cutoff date, they would gather them up and mail them to the soldier. She realizes it is probably too late to make holiday cards, but there are always birthdays, valentines day, etc. Soldiers can't just go out and buy a card while they are away and I love that she thought of this!
5. I am really enjoying watching the daycare kids I am watching right now. They are just such good fun kids. They are just so much fun to hang out with and play with. Often I think I should be paying their parents because I am just having so much fun with them. I think it is because I am enjoying this so much that I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was pregnant. With 4 babies. And in the dream, just as in reality I could not physically have any more babies. In the dream people just kept saying over and over "it's a miracle". And then in the dream I started crying. I was very excited about having 4 babies but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it and just kept talking about how "having twins almost killed me because it was so hard". While I would love another baby in real life, I would not so much like 4 at once!
6. It's snowing right now. I love how beautiful snow is even though I really really dislike cold weather. I can not wait to take Maya out in the snow at the bus stop. She has never seen snow and I can't wait to see what she does!
2. 3 of my kids had the reward breakfast at school this morning. Every month the school has a character trait and they reward one child from every class with a special breakfast. Last month my kindergarten son got it for "Individuality" which was perfect. Today my 3 older kids got it for "Cooperation". The breakfast was fun...I had 4 extra kids with me! I had my daycare kids and then I sort of forgot that I normally watch a friend's son on Thursday mornings. Both moms met me there with their kids because I don't have room in my car for 8 kids. Luckily, after the breakfast the school aged kids stay so I only went home with 3 kids.
3. Last night my daycare kids and I were talking about the reward breakfast and they were saying they felt bad for the 2 year old because he can't get it because he doesn't go to school. They decided that every month I will make a certificate and tell him what he is getting it for. They said this month he should get it for "Good Napping" because he almost always takes a nice nap. I love that they were thinking of him and are so excited to work on the certificate today after school.
4. My daughter is in a student council type thing at school (she won the election and I am super proud). This month they are working on a way to "give back". It was very open ended, the teacher in charge wants the kids to be responsible for the entire thing with her there to just guide and offer assistance with little things. They were each supposed to write a list of things they thought would be good ideas and then they will talk about them and decide together which they will follow through with and do. One of my daughter's ideas made me so happy (well, all of them, but one in particular). Her idea is to choose a soldier, make one card for him/her that they all sign and then make tons of blank cards for the soldiers to send home to their families. She worked really hard on this idea, planning tons of things having to do with it. I hope they choose this one! It is virtually free, they would just have everyone at school make cards and set up some kind of drop box where they could drop them off. On a certain cutoff date, they would gather them up and mail them to the soldier. She realizes it is probably too late to make holiday cards, but there are always birthdays, valentines day, etc. Soldiers can't just go out and buy a card while they are away and I love that she thought of this!
5. I am really enjoying watching the daycare kids I am watching right now. They are just such good fun kids. They are just so much fun to hang out with and play with. Often I think I should be paying their parents because I am just having so much fun with them. I think it is because I am enjoying this so much that I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was pregnant. With 4 babies. And in the dream, just as in reality I could not physically have any more babies. In the dream people just kept saying over and over "it's a miracle". And then in the dream I started crying. I was very excited about having 4 babies but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it and just kept talking about how "having twins almost killed me because it was so hard". While I would love another baby in real life, I would not so much like 4 at once!
6. It's snowing right now. I love how beautiful snow is even though I really really dislike cold weather. I can not wait to take Maya out in the snow at the bus stop. She has never seen snow and I can't wait to see what she does!
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Crack Me Up
Thanksgiving was great. Exhausting, but great. My husband says I am allergic to my brother though. I haven't seen my brother in 4 years. He was staying with us right when I was finding out I had cancer. He didn't know at the time, but it sticks in my head for obvious reasons. The first night he was here I was up all night puking for some unknown reason. The next morning, I slept late and then felt fine. It was a mystery, but once I found out I had cancer, I figured it was something to do with that and didn't think of it again...until this past week.
Thanksgiving morning I woke up with knots in my stomach. I had no idea why. All day I barely ate anything because my stomach just didn't feel right. Towards the end of the day I ate a little bit, thinking it would settle my stomach and that maybe it hurt because I was hungry. I went to bed early, as soon as everyone left (I think around 10, which is my normal time to go to bed but not normal when we have sleepover company I haven't seen in 4 years and would like to spend time with!) I was up all night puking. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning, I felt fine. The only logical connection is that I must be allergic to my brother. (Kidding!)
Today my 5 year old and I are baking cookies. We have been dying to make more cookies at our island so even though we probably have plenty of cookies in the house right now, we decided to make some more. I can always freeze them for Christmas or gifts I guess.
When I make cookies, I usually get the eggs out of the refrigerator at the beginning. I read somewhere a long time ago that it is better to put almost room temperature eggs in than straight from the fridge. I always put the eggs under the mixing bowl. That has always worked out just fine. Today we were making peanut butter cookies. There is honey in the recipe. I stopped the mixer to add the honey. The measuring cup wouldn't fit while the mixer was raised. I said to my son "this is going to be messy" meaning the honey would be messy because it is so sticky. As I said that, I lowered the mixing bowl and crushed the eggs.
We both laughed so hard that we could barely breathe. Then I said "that really cracked me up". I didn't even think of the pun until my son immediately said "get it? cracked us up?"
Thanksgiving morning I woke up with knots in my stomach. I had no idea why. All day I barely ate anything because my stomach just didn't feel right. Towards the end of the day I ate a little bit, thinking it would settle my stomach and that maybe it hurt because I was hungry. I went to bed early, as soon as everyone left (I think around 10, which is my normal time to go to bed but not normal when we have sleepover company I haven't seen in 4 years and would like to spend time with!) I was up all night puking. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning, I felt fine. The only logical connection is that I must be allergic to my brother. (Kidding!)
Today my 5 year old and I are baking cookies. We have been dying to make more cookies at our island so even though we probably have plenty of cookies in the house right now, we decided to make some more. I can always freeze them for Christmas or gifts I guess.
When I make cookies, I usually get the eggs out of the refrigerator at the beginning. I read somewhere a long time ago that it is better to put almost room temperature eggs in than straight from the fridge. I always put the eggs under the mixing bowl. That has always worked out just fine. Today we were making peanut butter cookies. There is honey in the recipe. I stopped the mixer to add the honey. The measuring cup wouldn't fit while the mixer was raised. I said to my son "this is going to be messy" meaning the honey would be messy because it is so sticky. As I said that, I lowered the mixing bowl and crushed the eggs.
We both laughed so hard that we could barely breathe. Then I said "that really cracked me up". I didn't even think of the pun until my son immediately said "get it? cracked us up?"
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