When I was little I had to drink barium for some test. My mom warned me that it would taste sort of yucky but that I had to drink it. I thought I would be fine. I was about 5 I think. I tried really hard to drink it but I just kept gagging and couldn't do it. After they had let me try for a while, my mom's old medical school lab partner (who was the doctor doing the test) had to hold me down and put a tube up my nose to get it in me. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. You would think that if it was through a tube down my nose into my stomach that at least I wouldn't taste/feel it. You would be wrong if you thought that. I still had to swallow it, it was just at the back of my throat and would drown me if I didn't swallow it. I will never forget the taste and feeling of that barium drink.
When I was first dating my husband, he wanted to take me to a place that he swore had the most delicious Green Rivers milk shakes. I had no idea what Green Rivers was and spent the whole 2 hour drive quizzing him about the flavor. He just kept saying he couldn't describe it but it was the best thing in the world. When we got there, he ordered me a large shake. I took one sip and almost threw up. To me it tasted exactly like the barium drink I had to drink when I was little. The texture wasn't quite as awful but since it was a thick milkshake it was pretty close. I felt horrible that his special treat was something I hated so I didn't tell my husband what it reminded me of. I also didn't drink it. He didn't notice and I don't think I told him until years later, when we both laughed about it.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. I have been having some weird stuff go on and I thought she should check it out. I was nervous because this is a new doctor, I had to switch primary care physicians which to me is very stressful. I met her in October and loved her, but haven't been to her with anything yet so had no idea how she would respond to things. I had no idea if she was an over tester who gets all freaked out, a laid back person who lets things slide, or the kind of doctor I want, which is someone who isn't overly freaked out but is cautiously safe since I have a history of strange things.
I explained my issues and she reacted exactly how I wanted her to. She really couldn't have been more perfect if I had given her a script. I have a really strange backache that feels exactly like when I had the giant ovarian cyst a few years ago. Except I don't have an ovary there anymore. I have this weird cough that is only sometimes there. It feels like I have crap in my chest but when I cough, nothing comes out. It makes me sort of wheeze at times but most of the time it is fine. The day before Halloween I found what I think (and my doctor agrees) is a swollen lymph node in my armpit. I kind of forgot about it because we had the swine flu going on around here at that time and I was busy. When I checked again at the end of November, there were two swollen lymph nodes.
Maybe for a normal person these things would be more of a "wait and see" but the reason I had been putting off making the appointment in the first place is because I know that whenever I go to the doctor, probably for the rest of my life, nothing will ever be a "wait and see" kind of thing. Stupid cancer ruins that for a person because little things can never be taken lightly ever again. I am not really in the mood for more health drama so I avoided the doctor for these things until I realized how irresponsible that was and made the appointment.
My doctor thinks the backache may be kidney stones. She said that would explain why sometimes the pain is barely there and sometimes it hurts so bad I am almost crying and feel like I am going to puke. She said the chest thing could be an asthma type thing...but because of those unexplained "things" on my previous CT scans that we have been following we can't just ignore this.
After talking about our options, we finally decided she would order a chest, abdominal and pelvic CT. If it is kidney stones, they would show up (I totally embarrassed myself when I meant to say "would those show up on a CT?" but actually said "and that would show those up?" I felt like I sounded really dumb when I worded it that way!) But yes, they would show up if that was the problem. She figures this way we can see if anything is going on anywhere near any areas that are bothering me. We can also see if there are more swollen lymph nodes anywhere else in my body. After we get the results, she will send me to a surgeon to figure out what to do about the two lymph nodes. She warned me that they are going to want to take them out. I asked about a needle biopsy and she said they usually want the whole thing, especially with someone who has had cancer before, just so they don't get a false negative. I asked about being awake when they do it so it doesn't have to be such a big deal and she sort of told me to wait and see what we end up finding, but also said she didn't think they were positioned well in my armpit for them to be able to numb me well enough to do that.
So how does this relate to the other 2 stories? Well, when I called to make the CT appointment, the lady told me that I would need to pick up 2 bottles of stuff to drink. I would drink one bottle 24 hours before the scan and then the other one 1 hour before. Guess what the stuff is? Barium!
I haven't made the appointment yet because we are waiting for precertification codes from my insurance but I am hoping I can get it done either next Monday or Tuesday. If not, I will have to wait until the week my kids are off for winter break, which I am really hoping to avoid. So, think good thoughts that one of the two places I can go for the scan has an appointment available on either Monday or Tuesday at 1:30. It has to be exactly at 1:30 because then if I am taken on time and the scan takes 1 hour or less, I will have time to put my son on the bus and also be home in time to get the kids off the bus. Oh and also cross your fingers that my husband has a chance to pick up those bottles of yuck for me before the snowstorm hits us today. (The hospital is near where he will be today and also is a little more than 45 minutes from our house. If I went to pick it up I would have to drag my son today or bring my daycare kids tomorrow, Thursday, or Friday. That isn't ideal and since he will be right there today, it should work out perfectly...unless the snowstorm comes and he doesn't end up going to the one meeting he is planning on going to).
And one more thing...my kids would appreciate it if you would think good thoughts for a snow day tomorrow. I don't care either way on that one and would sort of rather save the snow day for later when we aren't about to have a bunch of days off for winter break. They have to make it up at the end of the year anyway, so I'd rather have a snow day in February or something when we actually need a break, not when we are about to have one anyway.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
6 Things
1. Yesterday was my anniversary. We have been married 14 years! We agreed on no presents. I made him bread bowls and soup for dinner (he loves bread bowls and this was sort of a special thing for me to do since I don't like them) and he gave me a note saying we are going to go away for a weekend and take snowboarding lessons together. I think maybe he forgot the no present thing? Either way that is pretty cool and I can't wait!
2. 3 of my kids had the reward breakfast at school this morning. Every month the school has a character trait and they reward one child from every class with a special breakfast. Last month my kindergarten son got it for "Individuality" which was perfect. Today my 3 older kids got it for "Cooperation". The breakfast was fun...I had 4 extra kids with me! I had my daycare kids and then I sort of forgot that I normally watch a friend's son on Thursday mornings. Both moms met me there with their kids because I don't have room in my car for 8 kids. Luckily, after the breakfast the school aged kids stay so I only went home with 3 kids.
3. Last night my daycare kids and I were talking about the reward breakfast and they were saying they felt bad for the 2 year old because he can't get it because he doesn't go to school. They decided that every month I will make a certificate and tell him what he is getting it for. They said this month he should get it for "Good Napping" because he almost always takes a nice nap. I love that they were thinking of him and are so excited to work on the certificate today after school.
4. My daughter is in a student council type thing at school (she won the election and I am super proud). This month they are working on a way to "give back". It was very open ended, the teacher in charge wants the kids to be responsible for the entire thing with her there to just guide and offer assistance with little things. They were each supposed to write a list of things they thought would be good ideas and then they will talk about them and decide together which they will follow through with and do. One of my daughter's ideas made me so happy (well, all of them, but one in particular). Her idea is to choose a soldier, make one card for him/her that they all sign and then make tons of blank cards for the soldiers to send home to their families. She worked really hard on this idea, planning tons of things having to do with it. I hope they choose this one! It is virtually free, they would just have everyone at school make cards and set up some kind of drop box where they could drop them off. On a certain cutoff date, they would gather them up and mail them to the soldier. She realizes it is probably too late to make holiday cards, but there are always birthdays, valentines day, etc. Soldiers can't just go out and buy a card while they are away and I love that she thought of this!
5. I am really enjoying watching the daycare kids I am watching right now. They are just such good fun kids. They are just so much fun to hang out with and play with. Often I think I should be paying their parents because I am just having so much fun with them. I think it is because I am enjoying this so much that I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was pregnant. With 4 babies. And in the dream, just as in reality I could not physically have any more babies. In the dream people just kept saying over and over "it's a miracle". And then in the dream I started crying. I was very excited about having 4 babies but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it and just kept talking about how "having twins almost killed me because it was so hard". While I would love another baby in real life, I would not so much like 4 at once!
6. It's snowing right now. I love how beautiful snow is even though I really really dislike cold weather. I can not wait to take Maya out in the snow at the bus stop. She has never seen snow and I can't wait to see what she does!
2. 3 of my kids had the reward breakfast at school this morning. Every month the school has a character trait and they reward one child from every class with a special breakfast. Last month my kindergarten son got it for "Individuality" which was perfect. Today my 3 older kids got it for "Cooperation". The breakfast was fun...I had 4 extra kids with me! I had my daycare kids and then I sort of forgot that I normally watch a friend's son on Thursday mornings. Both moms met me there with their kids because I don't have room in my car for 8 kids. Luckily, after the breakfast the school aged kids stay so I only went home with 3 kids.
3. Last night my daycare kids and I were talking about the reward breakfast and they were saying they felt bad for the 2 year old because he can't get it because he doesn't go to school. They decided that every month I will make a certificate and tell him what he is getting it for. They said this month he should get it for "Good Napping" because he almost always takes a nice nap. I love that they were thinking of him and are so excited to work on the certificate today after school.
4. My daughter is in a student council type thing at school (she won the election and I am super proud). This month they are working on a way to "give back". It was very open ended, the teacher in charge wants the kids to be responsible for the entire thing with her there to just guide and offer assistance with little things. They were each supposed to write a list of things they thought would be good ideas and then they will talk about them and decide together which they will follow through with and do. One of my daughter's ideas made me so happy (well, all of them, but one in particular). Her idea is to choose a soldier, make one card for him/her that they all sign and then make tons of blank cards for the soldiers to send home to their families. She worked really hard on this idea, planning tons of things having to do with it. I hope they choose this one! It is virtually free, they would just have everyone at school make cards and set up some kind of drop box where they could drop them off. On a certain cutoff date, they would gather them up and mail them to the soldier. She realizes it is probably too late to make holiday cards, but there are always birthdays, valentines day, etc. Soldiers can't just go out and buy a card while they are away and I love that she thought of this!
5. I am really enjoying watching the daycare kids I am watching right now. They are just such good fun kids. They are just so much fun to hang out with and play with. Often I think I should be paying their parents because I am just having so much fun with them. I think it is because I am enjoying this so much that I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was pregnant. With 4 babies. And in the dream, just as in reality I could not physically have any more babies. In the dream people just kept saying over and over "it's a miracle". And then in the dream I started crying. I was very excited about having 4 babies but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it and just kept talking about how "having twins almost killed me because it was so hard". While I would love another baby in real life, I would not so much like 4 at once!
6. It's snowing right now. I love how beautiful snow is even though I really really dislike cold weather. I can not wait to take Maya out in the snow at the bus stop. She has never seen snow and I can't wait to see what she does!
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Crack Me Up
Thanksgiving was great. Exhausting, but great. My husband says I am allergic to my brother though. I haven't seen my brother in 4 years. He was staying with us right when I was finding out I had cancer. He didn't know at the time, but it sticks in my head for obvious reasons. The first night he was here I was up all night puking for some unknown reason. The next morning, I slept late and then felt fine. It was a mystery, but once I found out I had cancer, I figured it was something to do with that and didn't think of it again...until this past week.
Thanksgiving morning I woke up with knots in my stomach. I had no idea why. All day I barely ate anything because my stomach just didn't feel right. Towards the end of the day I ate a little bit, thinking it would settle my stomach and that maybe it hurt because I was hungry. I went to bed early, as soon as everyone left (I think around 10, which is my normal time to go to bed but not normal when we have sleepover company I haven't seen in 4 years and would like to spend time with!) I was up all night puking. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning, I felt fine. The only logical connection is that I must be allergic to my brother. (Kidding!)
Today my 5 year old and I are baking cookies. We have been dying to make more cookies at our island so even though we probably have plenty of cookies in the house right now, we decided to make some more. I can always freeze them for Christmas or gifts I guess.
When I make cookies, I usually get the eggs out of the refrigerator at the beginning. I read somewhere a long time ago that it is better to put almost room temperature eggs in than straight from the fridge. I always put the eggs under the mixing bowl. That has always worked out just fine. Today we were making peanut butter cookies. There is honey in the recipe. I stopped the mixer to add the honey. The measuring cup wouldn't fit while the mixer was raised. I said to my son "this is going to be messy" meaning the honey would be messy because it is so sticky. As I said that, I lowered the mixing bowl and crushed the eggs.
We both laughed so hard that we could barely breathe. Then I said "that really cracked me up". I didn't even think of the pun until my son immediately said "get it? cracked us up?"
Thanksgiving morning I woke up with knots in my stomach. I had no idea why. All day I barely ate anything because my stomach just didn't feel right. Towards the end of the day I ate a little bit, thinking it would settle my stomach and that maybe it hurt because I was hungry. I went to bed early, as soon as everyone left (I think around 10, which is my normal time to go to bed but not normal when we have sleepover company I haven't seen in 4 years and would like to spend time with!) I was up all night puking. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning, I felt fine. The only logical connection is that I must be allergic to my brother. (Kidding!)
Today my 5 year old and I are baking cookies. We have been dying to make more cookies at our island so even though we probably have plenty of cookies in the house right now, we decided to make some more. I can always freeze them for Christmas or gifts I guess.
When I make cookies, I usually get the eggs out of the refrigerator at the beginning. I read somewhere a long time ago that it is better to put almost room temperature eggs in than straight from the fridge. I always put the eggs under the mixing bowl. That has always worked out just fine. Today we were making peanut butter cookies. There is honey in the recipe. I stopped the mixer to add the honey. The measuring cup wouldn't fit while the mixer was raised. I said to my son "this is going to be messy" meaning the honey would be messy because it is so sticky. As I said that, I lowered the mixing bowl and crushed the eggs.
We both laughed so hard that we could barely breathe. Then I said "that really cracked me up". I didn't even think of the pun until my son immediately said "get it? cracked us up?"
Monday, November 23, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
My computer died, we are super busy, and I have a lot of cooking to do. We will soon have a million people staying with us (exaggerating slightly, obviously). Despite all of that, I am thankful for so many things. I am thankful for my friends (thank you for stopping by Kim and Steven, it was such a great break for me with all the chores I was doing, and my daughter loved talking to you! My other daughter was mad at me for not calling her in when you were here. She didn't believe me that you already were here until I showed her the cookies, which by the way were awesome and a great treat! My youngest has eaten all the butterscotch ones and I may need the recipe since they were such a hit! And Maya misses Steven...next time she is all wild and out of control I am going to call him over to calm her down), my family, and am thankful that I am so busy because it means I have a lot of people in my life who want to spend time with me. Sometimes it feels stressful, but the love makes it all worth it.
Last night my daughter had a sleepover with 2 of her friends. They were very funny. My oldest and I were watching the music awards and they kept "spying" on us from upstairs. I told them many times that they could come down and watch with us but that wouldn't have been nearly as much fun as the spying was. Later I told them they would make terrible spies since they giggled so much and we totally knew they were there. I started calling them the giggle girls and we all laughed our heads off. Everyone finally settled down and we went to bed.
Today we will be dropping off another soldier package at the post office. My oldest asked me last night how many soldiers we are going to send things to. I think she is tired of writing letters for me to include in the boxes. I reminded her that she didn't have to include letters from herself, I could just continue it on my own and include letters from whatever kid wanted to help each time. I showed her the website, reminded her that there are tons more soldiers that did not sign up there and then asked her how many she thinks we should send things to. For me (and I am not judging anyone who doesn't feel this way) if I can, I should. I can so I do. And I am thankful that I can.
Happy Thanksgiving. I hope yours is as filled with love and family as mine is. Hopefully my new computer (pink!) will be here soon so I can get back to reading more and not have to sneak it in when my daughter isn't using her computer! If any of this makes no sense, it is because I have been constantly interrupted while writing this because my kids have no school today. I was going to try and read it over to make sure it makes sense but I give up. Happy Thanksgiving!
Last night my daughter had a sleepover with 2 of her friends. They were very funny. My oldest and I were watching the music awards and they kept "spying" on us from upstairs. I told them many times that they could come down and watch with us but that wouldn't have been nearly as much fun as the spying was. Later I told them they would make terrible spies since they giggled so much and we totally knew they were there. I started calling them the giggle girls and we all laughed our heads off. Everyone finally settled down and we went to bed.
Today we will be dropping off another soldier package at the post office. My oldest asked me last night how many soldiers we are going to send things to. I think she is tired of writing letters for me to include in the boxes. I reminded her that she didn't have to include letters from herself, I could just continue it on my own and include letters from whatever kid wanted to help each time. I showed her the website, reminded her that there are tons more soldiers that did not sign up there and then asked her how many she thinks we should send things to. For me (and I am not judging anyone who doesn't feel this way) if I can, I should. I can so I do. And I am thankful that I can.
Happy Thanksgiving. I hope yours is as filled with love and family as mine is. Hopefully my new computer (pink!) will be here soon so I can get back to reading more and not have to sneak it in when my daughter isn't using her computer! If any of this makes no sense, it is because I have been constantly interrupted while writing this because my kids have no school today. I was going to try and read it over to make sure it makes sense but I give up. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tooth Holes
Kids are really funny sometimes. Especially when they don't mean to be.
I am pretty sure I have mentioned before that I never really had any loose teeth because I got most of them pulled. I think that is why whenever any of my kids has a loose tooth I beg them to let me wiggle them. (My oldest lost her last baby tooth the other day and I almost cried) I don't find their loose teeth gross, I don't really think anything of wiggling their teeth with clean hands. They don't like it though so I rarely get to wiggle them. My youngest is completely grossed out by loose teeth and has told me that when he gets a loose tooth he is not going to wiggle it at all, he will just wait until it falls out. He doesn't even care about the tooth fairy money, he would prefer if they just all stayed in and never fell out.
Today my daycare kid lost a tooth. She has been playing with it all week, I have had to remind her several times that it isn't polite at the table and it finally fell out. And I was totally grossed out. When she was wiggling her tooth and pulled it out, I literally felt sick to my stomach. My son described his feelings about this with this: "it's just that I have very sensitive eyes and when I see things like that it makes my tummy so sick I feel like I'm gonna puke". I felt the same way.
Obviously I took care of it and did my best not to gag and make her feel like she did something wrong. I congratulated her on losing a tooth and put it in a safe place so she can show it to her mom when she picks her up. Later, when we were waiting for the bus to come, I was telling her about when my 9 year old daughter lost her first tooth. She (my daycare girl) loves to hear my stories from when I was little (because she is so much like I was, not a girly girl and sort of into bugs and stuff) and also loves to hear stories about my older kids when they were younger. When we were talking about the lost tooth, she said something about how she lost one of her loose teeth but the tooth fairy still came anyway. That made me think about how my oldest also lost a few teeth...lost lost them, not just that they fell out. After I thought about that, I thought about the first tooth my now 9 year old daughter lost (fell out, not lost lost).
She was in bed with her wiggly tooth. I kissed her goodnight and went downstairs to clean up. A few minutes later I heard her screaming like she was dying and ran up to see what was going on. She had lost her tooth (fell out, not lost lost). She was extremely upset, like out of her mind upset about it. She was holding her tooth and when I finally calmed her down enough to tell me what was upsetting her she said this: "my tooth fell out and now there is a hole because the next tooth isn't there. I can't drink anything until my tooth comes in and I am really thirsty". I had no idea what she was talking about so I gently asked for clarification. She then explained that there is a "tooth hole and the tooth hole goes up to my brain and if I drink water the water will go up the tooth hole and I will die". I have no idea where she got that from but I had to talk to her for hours before she believed me that this would not in fact happen and that the hole did not go up to her brain and that drinking water would be just fine.
She is the same girl who at the age of less than 2 freaked out one day and made me take the crib (the "cage") out of her room. She slept in the hallway on a mattress for months...actually until we moved because I remember when our house was for sale every morning I had to move the mattress back on the bed in her room so people looking at our house would not think we were insane or torturing our children or something. She then proceeded to sleep walk every night for several months and end up all over the house. My husband once almost stepped on her because she had fallen back asleep outside our bedroom door. When she started sleepwalking we put several extra locks on our doors to outside because we were afraid she would end up in the street or at the park or something.
My youngest also sleep walked (slept walked? what is the right way to phrase that? sleep walked sounds wrong but slept walked sounds even more wrong) but he had night terrors as well. I got used to them and forgot how abnormal they were until we had a friend over and I was calmly continuing to play whatever game we were playing holding a freaking out screaming and kicking sleeping child who kept punching me and yelling that he wanted his mommy and that I should put him down because I was not his mommy. I think our childless friend may never have kids because of how traumatic he (the friend) found the whole experience.
Anyway, this post is all over the place. Moral of the story: My kids are strange and they got it from me, I am sure.
I am pretty sure I have mentioned before that I never really had any loose teeth because I got most of them pulled. I think that is why whenever any of my kids has a loose tooth I beg them to let me wiggle them. (My oldest lost her last baby tooth the other day and I almost cried) I don't find their loose teeth gross, I don't really think anything of wiggling their teeth with clean hands. They don't like it though so I rarely get to wiggle them. My youngest is completely grossed out by loose teeth and has told me that when he gets a loose tooth he is not going to wiggle it at all, he will just wait until it falls out. He doesn't even care about the tooth fairy money, he would prefer if they just all stayed in and never fell out.
Today my daycare kid lost a tooth. She has been playing with it all week, I have had to remind her several times that it isn't polite at the table and it finally fell out. And I was totally grossed out. When she was wiggling her tooth and pulled it out, I literally felt sick to my stomach. My son described his feelings about this with this: "it's just that I have very sensitive eyes and when I see things like that it makes my tummy so sick I feel like I'm gonna puke". I felt the same way.
Obviously I took care of it and did my best not to gag and make her feel like she did something wrong. I congratulated her on losing a tooth and put it in a safe place so she can show it to her mom when she picks her up. Later, when we were waiting for the bus to come, I was telling her about when my 9 year old daughter lost her first tooth. She (my daycare girl) loves to hear my stories from when I was little (because she is so much like I was, not a girly girl and sort of into bugs and stuff) and also loves to hear stories about my older kids when they were younger. When we were talking about the lost tooth, she said something about how she lost one of her loose teeth but the tooth fairy still came anyway. That made me think about how my oldest also lost a few teeth...lost lost them, not just that they fell out. After I thought about that, I thought about the first tooth my now 9 year old daughter lost (fell out, not lost lost).
She was in bed with her wiggly tooth. I kissed her goodnight and went downstairs to clean up. A few minutes later I heard her screaming like she was dying and ran up to see what was going on. She had lost her tooth (fell out, not lost lost). She was extremely upset, like out of her mind upset about it. She was holding her tooth and when I finally calmed her down enough to tell me what was upsetting her she said this: "my tooth fell out and now there is a hole because the next tooth isn't there. I can't drink anything until my tooth comes in and I am really thirsty". I had no idea what she was talking about so I gently asked for clarification. She then explained that there is a "tooth hole and the tooth hole goes up to my brain and if I drink water the water will go up the tooth hole and I will die". I have no idea where she got that from but I had to talk to her for hours before she believed me that this would not in fact happen and that the hole did not go up to her brain and that drinking water would be just fine.
She is the same girl who at the age of less than 2 freaked out one day and made me take the crib (the "cage") out of her room. She slept in the hallway on a mattress for months...actually until we moved because I remember when our house was for sale every morning I had to move the mattress back on the bed in her room so people looking at our house would not think we were insane or torturing our children or something. She then proceeded to sleep walk every night for several months and end up all over the house. My husband once almost stepped on her because she had fallen back asleep outside our bedroom door. When she started sleepwalking we put several extra locks on our doors to outside because we were afraid she would end up in the street or at the park or something.
My youngest also sleep walked (slept walked? what is the right way to phrase that? sleep walked sounds wrong but slept walked sounds even more wrong) but he had night terrors as well. I got used to them and forgot how abnormal they were until we had a friend over and I was calmly continuing to play whatever game we were playing holding a freaking out screaming and kicking sleeping child who kept punching me and yelling that he wanted his mommy and that I should put him down because I was not his mommy. I think our childless friend may never have kids because of how traumatic he (the friend) found the whole experience.
Anyway, this post is all over the place. Moral of the story: My kids are strange and they got it from me, I am sure.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Blue Screens and Islands
Waking up to find the blue screen of death on your computer is awesome. Well, if by awesome you mean it is horrible and makes you feel all jittery to realize what you have lost then it is.
We sent our package to a soldier. We got an email which made all the kids (and me!) super happy. Obviously we never expect a reply and this is only the second one we have ever gotten after all the packages we have sent. That is totally fine but it is super exciting to get an email to let you know the person got it and to make more of a personal connection. Our soldier sent us some pictures. I printed out 2 of them and hung them up in the kitchen. I was planning to print the rest later because I could do it whenever I wanted to, there was no rush. Now they are gone. I lost his email address, all of my email addresses, etc. (Yes, I realize I should have backed it all up...no lectures please, I feel bad enough!)
Right now I am using my daughter's computer (the one with the dyslexia/dysgraphia). She needs the computer for homework and will be home in a short while so I am trying to hurry. If this doesn't make sense it is because I am rushed and super busy right now. I am also addicted to the computer. I realized that when I felt how upset I was without mine.
Other things I have been up to:
1. I passed my DCFS inspection today and should have my renewed license in a few weeks. The lady was very nice and at the end she said "I can tell you are really good with kids. I can tell by how you treat your son and your answers to my questions". That made me feel really good to hear.
2. They finally put the counter top on our island. It has been several weeks with naked cabinets that are sort of useless. I couldn't use them yet because I knew when they put on the counter they would make a mess (I was right) and it was sort of in the way. It looks great, even better than the pictures. I was sort of annoyed about the seam in the middle when they originally told me it would all be one piece but at this point I am so happy it is in before Thanksgiving that I will accept it.
It looks great but there won't be any more cartwheels or jump rope in the kitchen which is kind of a bummer.
Also, the shelves in the cabinets are attached with the strangest clips I have ever seen. I can not seem to move the shelves. I hate to admit how dumb I am but I really can't figure them out. They have this clip you have to squeeze and then pull the shelf up. Except there are 4 clips and if you let the shelf slip back down onto one after you release it, it snaps back in. How can I get all four unclipped while also holding the dumb shelf up high enough that they don't snap back in? I got one out but then can't get it back in. Possibly I am stupid or making this more difficult than it has to be. They can't possibly be as difficult as they seem but I can't figure out any other way to try. Instead of asking someone in real life (because that would be embarrassing to admit I can't figure them out) I am telling the entire world. Because that makes a lot of sense. But I will have to ask someone soon so I can get things organized before Thanksgiving.
3. Speaking of accepting things when you probably shouldn't, I have mentioned my leaking dishwasher several times before. Guess what? It still leaks. I was about to just buy a new dishwasher even though this one is not very old at all...it is the second dishwasher we have bought since we lived in our less than 6 year old house. I called the company and demanded that they replace it. I kind of thought I was offering my high offer and then would come down to whatever they said they would give me for it. They are going to give me a huge credit and let me choose a new dishwasher. Hooray!
4. The dishwasher guy was super nice. He told me his entire life story while he was waiting for his boss to approve things. People tend to do that a lot with me. I hope that means I am easy to confide in.
5. I am freaking out that Thanksgiving is next week and I haven't even figured out what we are having. Normally I have a list and am all set. Lately I have been sort of disorganized and much more relaxed about things. That is good (the relaxed thing) except I really need to get planning or we will end up with a houseful of people and nothing to serve them! Well, probably we would have some cookies and that would make a fine Thanksgiving meal, right?
6. We got new blinds on two windows. My husband's cousin owns the store and came and installed them for us. He left the bubble wrap and the kids have been having a wonderful time popping it all. Maya freaks out and hides in the place she hides when she thinks she is in trouble. It isn't funny, but it sort of is.
We sent our package to a soldier. We got an email which made all the kids (and me!) super happy. Obviously we never expect a reply and this is only the second one we have ever gotten after all the packages we have sent. That is totally fine but it is super exciting to get an email to let you know the person got it and to make more of a personal connection. Our soldier sent us some pictures. I printed out 2 of them and hung them up in the kitchen. I was planning to print the rest later because I could do it whenever I wanted to, there was no rush. Now they are gone. I lost his email address, all of my email addresses, etc. (Yes, I realize I should have backed it all up...no lectures please, I feel bad enough!)
Right now I am using my daughter's computer (the one with the dyslexia/dysgraphia). She needs the computer for homework and will be home in a short while so I am trying to hurry. If this doesn't make sense it is because I am rushed and super busy right now. I am also addicted to the computer. I realized that when I felt how upset I was without mine.
Other things I have been up to:
1. I passed my DCFS inspection today and should have my renewed license in a few weeks. The lady was very nice and at the end she said "I can tell you are really good with kids. I can tell by how you treat your son and your answers to my questions". That made me feel really good to hear.
2. They finally put the counter top on our island. It has been several weeks with naked cabinets that are sort of useless. I couldn't use them yet because I knew when they put on the counter they would make a mess (I was right) and it was sort of in the way. It looks great, even better than the pictures. I was sort of annoyed about the seam in the middle when they originally told me it would all be one piece but at this point I am so happy it is in before Thanksgiving that I will accept it.
It looks great but there won't be any more cartwheels or jump rope in the kitchen which is kind of a bummer.Also, the shelves in the cabinets are attached with the strangest clips I have ever seen. I can not seem to move the shelves. I hate to admit how dumb I am but I really can't figure them out. They have this clip you have to squeeze and then pull the shelf up. Except there are 4 clips and if you let the shelf slip back down onto one after you release it, it snaps back in. How can I get all four unclipped while also holding the dumb shelf up high enough that they don't snap back in? I got one out but then can't get it back in. Possibly I am stupid or making this more difficult than it has to be. They can't possibly be as difficult as they seem but I can't figure out any other way to try. Instead of asking someone in real life (because that would be embarrassing to admit I can't figure them out) I am telling the entire world. Because that makes a lot of sense. But I will have to ask someone soon so I can get things organized before Thanksgiving.
3. Speaking of accepting things when you probably shouldn't, I have mentioned my leaking dishwasher several times before. Guess what? It still leaks. I was about to just buy a new dishwasher even though this one is not very old at all...it is the second dishwasher we have bought since we lived in our less than 6 year old house. I called the company and demanded that they replace it. I kind of thought I was offering my high offer and then would come down to whatever they said they would give me for it. They are going to give me a huge credit and let me choose a new dishwasher. Hooray!
4. The dishwasher guy was super nice. He told me his entire life story while he was waiting for his boss to approve things. People tend to do that a lot with me. I hope that means I am easy to confide in.
5. I am freaking out that Thanksgiving is next week and I haven't even figured out what we are having. Normally I have a list and am all set. Lately I have been sort of disorganized and much more relaxed about things. That is good (the relaxed thing) except I really need to get planning or we will end up with a houseful of people and nothing to serve them! Well, probably we would have some cookies and that would make a fine Thanksgiving meal, right?
6. We got new blinds on two windows. My husband's cousin owns the store and came and installed them for us. He left the bubble wrap and the kids have been having a wonderful time popping it all. Maya freaks out and hides in the place she hides when she thinks she is in trouble. It isn't funny, but it sort of is.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Introspection and Manners
Why do I never believe people will remember me? Why do I always think I make so little of an impression that people couldn't possibly even realize I exist? Why do I always doubt myself over everything and feel like people are just waiting for me to screw up?
I have been thinking a lot about that ever since I read an email from my twins' teacher. She went on and on gushing over how awesome she thinks I am. She named several things I have done for the class and for her personally and was very thankful. So why, when I read that, do I think inside my head "right but if she really knew me she wouldn't like me so much". Or "she only likes me so much because of the things I have done". Why do I think that is true? Why do I always think much less of myself than other people do? I don't think it is low self esteem because when I think about myself I think I am a pretty awesome person. I can name tons of strengths and tons of good things I do. But when I think of other people thinking of me I think much more negatively. It's like I expect people to not be nice and think the worst of me or even get things completely wrong about me. It's like I am wanting to apologize or at least be ready to before something happens just in case. In case of what???? What do I think will happen????
I think I need to be nicer to myself and think of others thinking of me like they do and not how I think they would. I think it has a lot to do with the way I was raised and the fact that nothing was ever good enough. (It still isn't actually, no matter what I say there is always the message that there is something else I should have done instead and what I hear is "you suck as a human you don't know how to be right" What is right? Is there normally a right way to do something? Just because the way I would do something is different than what that person would choose, why do I think my way is "wrong" and theirs is "right"?)
No matter what I did growing up there was always a backhanded compliment. Something like "that was great, but..." and then the negative about whatever it was or what I could have done differently. That isn't a very nice way to parent (or to treat other people in general). I know this, and because of this I try really hard to never do that to my kids (or anyone). I try (and think I succeed) in making my kids (and friends) know I love them no matter what they do, who they are, or anything. I think they know I love them just because they exist and that although I may not love some things they do, that never changes what I think of them, the person.
This is a boring/introspective post so I will tell you something my 5 year old has been doing lately that cracks me up. We were outside when I noticed it but when I thought back I realized he has been doing it for weeks (at least). When you ask him something, instead of just saying "yes" or "no", he says "yes, yes it does" or "no, no we didn't". He repeats the yes or no part in a different way after he says it plain. I also noticed recently that he has also taught my daycare kids better manners. When I asked one of them something and the answer was no, he said "a nicer way to say that would be no thank you. In my house we always say no thank you or yes please". Since then, she has been saying it like he told her to. Maybe I should have him be a parenting coach? Or teach a manners class?
I have been thinking a lot about that ever since I read an email from my twins' teacher. She went on and on gushing over how awesome she thinks I am. She named several things I have done for the class and for her personally and was very thankful. So why, when I read that, do I think inside my head "right but if she really knew me she wouldn't like me so much". Or "she only likes me so much because of the things I have done". Why do I think that is true? Why do I always think much less of myself than other people do? I don't think it is low self esteem because when I think about myself I think I am a pretty awesome person. I can name tons of strengths and tons of good things I do. But when I think of other people thinking of me I think much more negatively. It's like I expect people to not be nice and think the worst of me or even get things completely wrong about me. It's like I am wanting to apologize or at least be ready to before something happens just in case. In case of what???? What do I think will happen????
I think I need to be nicer to myself and think of others thinking of me like they do and not how I think they would. I think it has a lot to do with the way I was raised and the fact that nothing was ever good enough. (It still isn't actually, no matter what I say there is always the message that there is something else I should have done instead and what I hear is "you suck as a human you don't know how to be right" What is right? Is there normally a right way to do something? Just because the way I would do something is different than what that person would choose, why do I think my way is "wrong" and theirs is "right"?)
No matter what I did growing up there was always a backhanded compliment. Something like "that was great, but..." and then the negative about whatever it was or what I could have done differently. That isn't a very nice way to parent (or to treat other people in general). I know this, and because of this I try really hard to never do that to my kids (or anyone). I try (and think I succeed) in making my kids (and friends) know I love them no matter what they do, who they are, or anything. I think they know I love them just because they exist and that although I may not love some things they do, that never changes what I think of them, the person.
This is a boring/introspective post so I will tell you something my 5 year old has been doing lately that cracks me up. We were outside when I noticed it but when I thought back I realized he has been doing it for weeks (at least). When you ask him something, instead of just saying "yes" or "no", he says "yes, yes it does" or "no, no we didn't". He repeats the yes or no part in a different way after he says it plain. I also noticed recently that he has also taught my daycare kids better manners. When I asked one of them something and the answer was no, he said "a nicer way to say that would be no thank you. In my house we always say no thank you or yes please". Since then, she has been saying it like he told her to. Maybe I should have him be a parenting coach? Or teach a manners class?
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